A TangeloFlavored Death
by slack-jawed cheese hugger
Summary: So Kankuro was supposed to marry Hinata. And that’s the only reason why she doesn’t try to leave the Akatsuki. Yep, it has nothing to do with Tobi… or Deidara… or anyone else… Nope, nothing to do with them. Featuring HinaTobi, all six Pein’s bodies, more.
1. To Be Reluctant

A Tangelo-Flavored Death

Summary: So Kankuro was supposed to marry Hinata. And that's the only reason why she doesn't try to leave the Akatsuki. Yep, it has nothing to do with Tobi… or Deidara… or anyone else… Nope, nothing to do with them. Featuring HinaTobi, all six Pein's bodies, and some shenanigans having to do with a doggie that wandered inside the hideout. CRACK, yaoi, het, Bored!Pein, Coy!Hinata, Sneaky!Tobi

**Insert disclaimer here.**

_Author note:_

The names of Pein's bodies are:

Dein, Gein, Sein, Pein, Kein, and Hein.

Also note that personalities are as such:

Dein, the body with a long ponytail: responsible and semi-logical, but the tiniest bit vain; kinda like Deidara, but less vain and only slightly more mature.

Gein, the angry-looking one with a messy mop of hair: heavyset and stubborn; peacemaker.

Sein, the grinning body with the cone-things on his head: nice person, good sense of humor. Emotion-driven, likes being flashy. Obsessed with sex.

Pein, the person you're all familiar with: can be silly if he feels like it; good at acting serious when he needs to. Is usually pretty laid-back. See 'Akatsuki watching dramas' for reference. See also lots of other materials.

Kein, the man with the long, loose hair: quiet. Scary when angry. No sense of humor except for sarcasm.

Hein, the person left over (I think he's bald… maybe?): trickster, but doesn't seem it.

I hope you enjoy this!

* * *

"Ugh."

Kisame tromped through the dense underbrush, muttering angrily under his breath.

Hinata was panting heavily. She was being chased.

Correction: more like being hunted down.

She had been assigned a special mission: to seal the alliance between Suna and Konoha, a political marriage had been set up. And since Hiashi had been looking for a fiancé for her anyway, Hinata was immediately volunteered. And if _that_ wasn't enough of a nightmare already, her suitor was even worse, in her opinion. She was at least hoping for the Kazekage, but no; it was the puppet-man, the middle, perverted, makeup-wearing, kitty boy who was caught during the Chuunin Exams by Asuma-Sensei reading porn.

Not that that wasn't normal, Kakashi being a prime example.

But she had to be optimistic. Didn't he save her teammate for certain death when trying to retrieve Sasuke? Hinata was pulled from her tangled thoughts by the loud hum of rushing water. She was puzzled. "There aren't any rivers around here..."

But at that moment, a massive amount of water pressure gored her and sent her flying into a tree.

As she fell into darkness, she heard a voice.

"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu: success. Let's get her back to the base, Itachi-San..."

Then Hinata blacked out.

As Hinata went limp, crumpling uselessly onto the forest floor, Kisame stole a glance at Itachi beside him. It seemed almost like he was pouting, for some reason. Did it have to do anything with that chicken the other day?

...Well, it must've been serious, because Itachi never pouted, just glared.

Actually, that approach made it seem all the more silly.

The blue man stifled a laugh, making a sound halfway between an attempt at doing a Donald Duck impression and an uncontrollable giggle.

Itachi, watching him, allowed his lower lip to quiver, testing Kisame. Unfortunately, the other man wasn't up to the Ice Block Uchiha standard, and laughed out loud, biting his lip quickly before he sounded like a moron.


	2. To Hurry

A Tangelo-Flavored Death

Miss Piggy says Hi.

Kermit was unavailable for comment.

* * *

**_Chapter Two: To Hurry_**

Once at the hideout, Hinata tied up, the partners made their way to Pein's office, reported in, and then padded down the hard-packed dirt hallway to the building entrance, where Itachi paused, seeming to realize what he was doing in an absent-minded way, and turned back the way he came with a sheepish look in his eyes.

Kisame smirked, stepping outside.

* * *

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" yelled Temari into Shikamaru's face. "What do you mean, Hinata got attacked on the way here?!"

The lazy man sighed, then continued with what he had been saying. "Yeah, we tried to find her, but according to our sources the people who took her were... they were the Akatsuki."

Silence filled the room. Temari opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out.

Kankuro, who had been pacing the room, glared at Shikamaru, and then started to grab his puppets off of the floor. He was going on Operation: Save His Beautiful, Big-Boobed Fiancée From Certain Death-- or so he thought.

The deer-man groaned unhappily before pointing out that Kankuro was wearing one of Gaara's outfits, and to boot, it was on backwards. "Little hasty, aren't we?" he muttered, not really wanting to know the answer.

Soon Kankuro was zooming through the forest like some weird slinky, and there were panoramic shots as well as some annoying close-ups on the trip. He sighed. The stupid layout thing was driving him nuts...

* * *

Back in the Akatsuki hideout, Pein was stalking evilly around the perimeter of the room Hinata was in. He stroked his nonexistent goatee in a gesture of thought. Hinata sweatdropped and rolled her eyes.

"So." Pein pointed at her, leaning back slightly, feet planted shoulder-width apart. "You want to know what you're here for?" She shook her head rapidly, but he continued. "Too bad; I'm telling you anyway."

* * *

eek, cliffie!

I just wanted to mention that I'm really, really grateful for the reviews, you guys! I've gotten three already, and I'm so happy about it! XD

This story will probably get updated on a fairly regular basis, seeing as I have the majority of it written out. Well, a lot.

I'm going to update on Fridays from now on, or sooner, if I get a review.

Preview of next time:

_Hinata looked at him for about two and a half minutes straight before bursting into semi-muffled laughter. _

_Pein turned bright red and yelled at her ("You think this is funny?! I'll show you _funny_!") and then the door to the interrogation room slammed open, denting the wall. The man looked up at the interruption, face contorting in disgust, sighed, and facepalmed._

_Hinata just stared._

'_Say WHAAAAT?'_


	3. To Remind Oneself

A/N: All righty

A Tangelo-Flavored Death

A/N: All righty! I've got this chapter, but… well… let's just say it's not my favorite…

I'm glad you guys like the fanfiction, though.

Thanks to: **hinasasunaruhidashikasaideiita**,** Eternal-Explosionist**,** Yin Neko-hime**,** dark-emo-gal**, and **Kayamie1224** for reviewing!

To Recap:

_"So." Pein pointed at her, leaning back slightly, feet planted shoulder-width apart. "You want to know what you're here for?" She shook her head rapidly, but he continued. "Too bad; I'm telling you anyway."_

Chapter Three

To Remind Oneself

He put on a serious face and started pacing the room. "You see young lady, since we only have one woman in our organization, things can get pretty lonely. Furthermore, we really need someone with... medical abilities. So, we brought you here to be the Akatsuki's official entertainer and Medic!!"

That's when the silence came.

Hinata looked at him for about two and a half minutes straight before bursting into semi-muffled laughter. Pein turned bright red and yelled ("You think this is funny?! I'll show you _funny!_") and started making handsigns, but suddenly stopped cold turkey. He stared off into the distance as if staring through the wall.

Hinata's eyes almost bugged out of her head. _Is this guy serious?_

**meep.**

Back in Pein's office, Hein groaned. What did Sein think he was doing, interfering like that? The idiot; Nagato-Pein would be so mad.

Dein crossed his eyes in concentration. _What now?_

**meep.**

The door to the interrogation room slammed open, denting the wall. Pein sighed and facepalmed.

Hinata stared.

_Say WHAAAAT?_

"Unhand her, villain!" A man with light orange, almost shoulder-length hair and conical piercings was pointing a longsword at Pein. "Or I shall slay thee!"

"No way, I don't want any more work, thanks." A heavyset man, slightly shorter, with a mop of spiky hair, came skidding in.

A tall, thin man with long, loose hair materialized in the corner. "Pein, I told them not to..." He crossed his arms.

Another, more feminine man with a long ponytail picked up Hinata quietly and took her out.

**meep.**

There was heard a scream of metal, and a voice whined, "Aww, I liked that one..."

**meep.**

Appearances, in order!:

Pein (and)

Hinata (in the interrogation room;)

Hein (and)

Dein (in Pein's office;)

(then:) Sein with his sword,

Gein following Sein,

Kein complaining,

And Dein, evacuating.

With Hinata, of course.

Sorry for the confusion!

Yours truly,

The idiot who wrote this stuff


	4. To Know, Fully

Pein had put on a serious face and started pacing the room

Last time on A Tangelo-Flavored Death:

_"So."_

_Pein pointed at her, leaning back slightly, feet planted shoulder-width apart. "You want to know what you're here for?" _

_She shook her head rapidly, but he continued. _

_"Too bad; I'm telling you anyway."_

Pein had put on a serious face and started pacing the room. "You see young lady; since we only have one woman in our organization; things can get pretty lonely. And further more, we really need someone with...medical abilities. So, we brought you here to be the Akatsuki's official entertainer and Medic!!"

That's when the silence came.

Hinata looked at him for about two and a half minutes straight before bursting into semi-muffled laughter. Pein turned bright red and yelled ("You think this is funny?!") and started making handsigns, but suddenly stopped.

Back in Pein's office, Hein groaned. What did Sein think he was doing, interfering like that? The idiot; Nagato-Pein would be _so_ mad.

Dein crossed his eyes in concentration. _What now?_

The door to the interrogation room slammed open, denting the wall. Pein sighed and facepalmed.

Hinata stared.

_Say WHAAAAT?!_

"Unhand her, villain!" A man with light orange, almost shoulder-length hair and conical piercings was pointing a longsword at Pein. "Or I shall slay thee!"

"No way, I don't want any more work, thanks." A heavyset man, slightly shorter, with a mop of spiky hair, came skidding in.

A tall, thin man with long, loose hair materialized in the corner. "Pein, I told them not to..." He crossed his arms.

Another, more feminine man with a long ponytail picked up Hinata and took her out.

Back in the room, there was a scream of metal, and a voice whined, "Aww, I liked that one..."

Hinata was making noise at the top of her lungs, trying desperately to get the attention of the man carrying her. He didn't pay any attention, but eventually he slowed down, and then stopped in front of an empty bedroom. He threw her bodily onto the bed and then slipped out, muttering a quick "Dinner's late," before he closed and locked the door.

Hinata stared at the door that the Dein had just walked out of, then blinked.

"_Okaaaaaaaaaaaay... That was... weird. Well, what do I do now?"_ she thought, not noticing a certian blonde, pyromaniac Akatsuki member walk into the room.

He walked over to where she was sitting and suddenly got right in her face, making her squeak. "So you're the pretty girl that Tobi was talking about, un? He's not joking; you're pretty."

She blinked and looked down, unable to move or respond because she was still tied up.

Deidara tsk-ed and cut off the gag. She licked her lips, which had gone dry, cleared her throat, and thanked him.

He blushed and looked away. "I- I can't get rid of the other bindings, though.. I'd rather not die."

Hinata nodded. "Sure..."

The blond man sighed and leaned back against the wall. "I have the watch shift, so I'm going to be here a while. Kisame should be in soon with your dinner."

Hinata nodded at the still blushing Deidara. Then, she decided that since she was on a bed, she should just sleep, not knowing of the weird things happening here and in the forest, where her husband-to-be was aimlessly searching for her.

Sadly, Kankuro was way off target; at last count it takes, with chakra, ten to twelve days to reach Amegakure. Then again, he had no idea where he was going.

xloxloxloxlox

I hope you liked this one…

Sorry for taking so long to update.

Another thing:

This fic has ended.

Not right _here_, there are still some chapters left, but we stopped continuing it after she tried inserting two of her OCs. :glares at Brooke:

But I hope you enjoy what's left of it, anyway.

And no worries, we've actually got a whole new thing we just finished… The page total on that thing is 21 instead of 5 so it'll last a bit longer, hopefully.

New challenge!

If you can figure out where each one of us are writing, then (based on how much you got right) (no worries, it's not that hard) you get a prize like a oneshot or a cameo!

Review and tell me!

Luv y'all!

(No, seriously, I do.)

-The Head Baka


	5. To Neglect

Back in the hideout, everyone, including Hinata, admitted that Kisame was a horrible cook

Back in the hideout, everyone, including Hinata, admitted that Kisame was a horrible cook.

Hinata was in front of the toilet, waiting for the next big amount of pre-chewed food to come out of her mouth. Dinner had been hell, so in the end, much to the Akatsuki's delight, she had made them all food. But since she had still eaten what Kisame made, she had now been throwing up for an hour an a half.

She highly suspected he ignored the recipe instructions and just trusted his intuition, which happened to be... well, pretty awful.

Hinata made a face as her stomach twisted again and she leaned over the toilet, retching.

"Charming sounds you're making, luv," came a voice from behind her.

She whirled around to see Kein watching her with the tiniest of smiles on his face.

Hinata took a moment to understand what he said, and then groaned unhappily. "And here I thought I closed the door..." She made a face. "What can I help you with?"

He walked over and squatted in front of her. "Yep. Time for your first assignment as our new medic," he said happily.

She narrowed her eyes, looking at him in suspicion.

"You need to heal Hidan's broken ribs, Tobi's arm, and Zetsu is blossoming, so... yeah..."

Hinata stared._ Blossoming?_

But before she could say anything, she found herself being dragged sown the hall to what she guessed was the hospital.

According to what Kakuzu told her concerning Hidan, he could regrow literally anything crazy fast, including any part of his body. "For example," he told her, "once, an intruding muke-nin devised a plan to rip him apart, and did. All that was left was his head." Hinata had gaped at him. "Sadly, he just slept like the lazy ass he is for about five weeks and regrew his entire body."

She figured he'd be fine.

Tobi, however, had gotten his arm infected with ninjutsu-conjured parasites that were eating at his tendons. To her relief, she could see them clearly with the Byakugan, and wasted no time in cutting open his arm.

He had insisted on watching, sounding almost... _giddy..._ and she could have sworn his voice got really dark and serious for a moment. "Tobi _has _to watch," he had informed her. "Tobi wants to see how Hinata-hime uses the Byakugan." The man chuckled lowly. "Tobi cannot possibly miss the opportunity to observe..." he had stroked her cheek with one thumb, gently-- "...such an impressive lady performing an operation of this caliber."

She had been frozen, her stomach twisting into a tight knot, breath caught in her throat, unable to think, unable to speak, until he had dropped his hand and inclined his head slightly towards her, just enough to be on purpose, then went back to chatting excitedly about squirrels as if nothing had happened.

Maybe she was going mad.

She didn't feel crazy, but it was possible.

The operation was nothing for her, and it was done within minutes. But she couldn't help but think that she _had _seen a sharingan, if only for a second, peering at her from the single hole in Tobi's orange mask. And another thing- she realized later that she probably would have _missed_ it if she didn't have the Byakugan activated. It made her wonder what else was slipping under Pein-sama's all-seeing eye.

Once he was dealt with, she went and asked Zetsu why he was flowering. He had blushed and muttered something about his mission, saying it was what he ate, but he refused to tell her what. Eventually she just gave up and let the subject drop.

Hinata jumped onto her bed, reminding herself to thank Deidara for lending her his mattress. It was **so** soft!

She lay there, then suddenly remembered something. She sat up immediately. _Kankuro-kun..._ she thought.

What was he doing?

Was he looking for her?

She didn't know.

Why did she care?

She liked Naruto, but that was one-sided, however much she wished it wasn't.

She sighed and laid back down. She closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep.


	6. To Sever

While she was asleep, Deidara sneaked in to watch her, and sat there for hours, just watching her

While she was asleep, Deidara sneaked in to watch her, and sat there for hours, just watching her. To keep himself busy, he pulled out some clay from his pouch, the non-explosive kind (_So there, Danna,_ he thought sadly, _I can plan..._) and just worked it until he came up with an idea.

In the morning, when Hinata woke up, disoriented and sleepy, she half-noticed him asleep next to her bed. As it sank in, she blushed, just a tiny bit, and sat up silently.

Next to the mattress, on the stone floor, stood the most delicate figurine she had seen in her life. Hinata carefully activated her byakugan, dulling the chakra spike so as not to wake the sleeping artist, and inspected it.

The figure was that of a young man, about fifteen, kneeling on the ground, staring at his hands. It was about seven inches tall, and delicate-looking, a soft white color. Upon further scrutiny, she realized it was Deidara himself, without his headband, wearing a shirt, the left sleeve of which had been torn right off where a short-sleeved shirt would have ended.

It made her wonder why he had left his village. Was he chased out? Did he leave because he wanted to? From what she had heard, Itachi had recruited him by force, so it was entirely possible he still had something else he needed to get done.

Hinata rolled onto her back, folding her hands and placing them over her stomach. She had no idea why she was even still there, let alone why they wanted her and not someone more interesting. _Like Naruto, for instance, _she thought. _Wonder what they wanted him for the first time. It probably had to do with the Kyuubi, like what happened to Gaara-sama…_

Thinking of Suna's kage made her remember Kankuro. With a guilty lurch, the indigo-haired kunoichi knew she hadn't thought of him in a long, long time. Maybe… maybe she didn't want to go home after all.

She shifted onto her side, facing Deidara again, arms wrapped around herself for comfort. Konoha was all right, but she wasn't really liked all that much there. She was bored out of her mind, for one, and had no idea where her career as a Leaf nin was going. Hinata had no inclination to try for a higher rank, nor to work particularly hard; even if she did, her father still wouldn't acknowledge it.

Hinata heaved a heavy sigh, rolling the idea of leaving, staying with the Akatsuki, over in her mind. Perhaps it might be interesting. And anyway, it didn't seem like Pein-sama was going to let her leave, even if she wanted, so she might as well enjoy it.

Who knew how long she would last back in her home village, trying to fit in, to get better, not really doing her best, not really caring.

She may as well have _died_ or something, for all the good it would do anyone.

_**theendcomesearly**_

Yes, well… this is basically what happened: my friend (who I was writing this with) decided to insert two of her OCs into the story right after this part, and so I gave up. Since it seems to be getting a lot of attention, I think I'll revive the storyline, but it'll take some work.

If you want to help me get it done faster, convince her to rewrite the next part without her OCs.

She's vampireizzy, on fanfiction. Her id is 1360935.

Sic 'em, guys!

Love,

The Head Baka


	7. To Remove

Much to Kisame's chagrin, it had happened again, for the first time in months.

He had been fervently hoping that it was over altogether, but no; the headless body at his feet proved him wrong.

He tapped his foot for a moment, hand backwards across his mouth as he thought, before raising his head. "Hinata-hime!"

She came scurrying out of the woodwork with her little frilly white apron tied onto the front of her plain black cloak. It was pristine as always. He wondered how she kept it so clean in the particular household she resided in. "Hai!" she replied, bowing politely.

"Hinata-hime, Kakuzu left another one here. Would you mind--" He made a vague gesture towards the body, and she nodded quickly, eyes wide. She had probably just come from cleaning Hidan's room. He knew from experience that said task was rather mind-rape-y.

As he left to go find the perpetrator, the heat of a Katon jutsu lightly singed his neck, and he made a mental note to wear more moisturizer. His skin might crack and get infected, and that was never pleasant.

---

"Is there a reason why you have gone through… six cloaks within the last year?" Pein, or Leader-sama, glanced down at the inventory he was holding, pierced face serious.

"Uh, yeah, un…" Deidara scratched his cheek absently. "There've been several incidents with, uh, skunks… and…" His voice drifted off as he stared out the window, watching something large and black pull something even larger and dead through the tall grass outside, his mechanical eye whirring as he zoomed in on it.

"Deidara." Pein's cuttingly sharp voice brought him back to earth. "Focus."

"But there's… And the rain, and it looks like…" Deidara's voice got quieter again. "Looks like Orochimaru…"

"_Deidara! Look _at me when I am _**talking to you!" **_Pein tried, to no avail, to get his attention, and after a bit he sighed resignedly and left, murmuring something quietly to Konan as he passed her in the doorway on her way in. She nodded and turned back around, hurrying down the hallway, presumably to get one of the other bodies to deal with the absentminded pyrotechnician.

"He's dead, though, isn't he?" Deidara tried to ask the now-nonexistent Pein. "Un…"


End file.
